Nicole vs. Life
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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