i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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