i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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