my vag is so smooth its legendary
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
