I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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