He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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