He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
