all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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