Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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