you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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