you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
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