is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
