Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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