Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
