remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
