i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
