This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
