You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
