I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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