What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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