If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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