How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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