some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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