he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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