I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize