my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
its liver damage thursday
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
