My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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