Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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