I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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