remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
