hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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