I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's shark week go big or go home
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
