I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this beer tastes like vomit already
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
