I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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