My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
