Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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