How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
