I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
