I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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