I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize