dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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