Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
