Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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