omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Your dad touched me again.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
