Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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