why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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