I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
