my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize