no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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