i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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