I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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