Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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