I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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